Author: Jane Doe 16 | @thelastjanedoe

Jane Does v. Liberty University

“Nobody wants to be defined by the worst thing that’s happened to them.” – Chanel Miller, From “I Am With You” short. Often times when people experience sexual violence, they are given a new identity. They may be labeled as a “victim” or a “survivor”, and they may be given the anonymous name “Jane Doe”. Suddenly, with these unfamiliar social or legal labels, spectators and the media have certain expectations for them. They expect specific negative emotions, like sadness, hopelessness, and despair. They expect extremely personal details, digging for information about the most gruesome parts of their experience. They expect them to be the “perfect victim.” The “perfect victim” is a myth that perpetuates harm against those impacted by sexual violence. This narrative comes with a set of ideal expectations for how the impacted individual should have responded to their assault. It can be fueled by media, institutions, onlookers, peers, and more. But the “perfect victim” does not exist because there is no correct way or incorrect way to respond to a sexual assault, how to feel, or what ways to heal. When someone impacted by sexual violence does not fit into the impossibly unrealistic set of expectations put on by the “perfect victim” ideal, they are most often faced with what is known as victim blaming. Victim blaming can best be described as blaming the victim for what happened. It is re-traumatizing, and fuels feelings of guilt and shame surrounding the assault. Victim blaming can also make it more difficult for someone affected by sexual assault or abuse to feel safe at home and outside their home, to report the incident to the police or Title IX office at a school, or to even access help and support. The more this false idea of the “perfect victim” remains, the more victim blaming increases because if victims do not respond how individuals feel they should response, then maybe they really are not a “true victim”. It is a cycle of harm that  impacts those affected by sexual violence and will continue to do so, if nothing is done about it. We can do something about it by talking about it. We can give individuals impacted by sexual violence, and the “perfect victim” myth, their power back by:

• Allowing them to label themselves, if and how they choose
• Allowing them to feel whatever they want to feel, unapologetically, and
• Allowing them to choose if and how they want to share their experience.

I have spent the last few years on social media anonymously sharing pieces of my experience and I have taken part in dozens of interviews with media outlets. Throughout this time, I have been labeled, expected to provide traumatic specifics, and expected to be a perfectly sad person. Many reporters have purposefully sought out the worst parts of me, hoping to exploit my experience for “trauma porn” that will get more clicks. They have defined me by a nightmare, rather than who I am, further attempting to take my power away from me. I take my power back by choosing my label. Sometimes I feel more comfortable calling myself a survivor, other times I feel more comfortable calling myself a victim. Every once in a while, I am uncomfortable by both, so I choose neither. Other times, I choose both. I take my power back by experiencing my true emotions with no explanation. Sometimes, I do feel the sadness that others expect me to bask in. But I also feel anger. I feel irritated and outraged by what I experienced, by those who failed me, and by the grief that I hold onto without my justice. Contrary to what many have assumed, my emotions are not always negative. In fact, they are usually positive. Often, I feel happiness, positivity, and hopeful. I feel love for myself, for others, and for the world that I live in. I smile, I laugh, and I experience an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. These emotions are possible, and they are true. I take my power back by choosing to share what I want to share, when I want to share it, and “if” I want to share it. I have control over who I allow to hear what pieces, and how many details I want to tell. I have control over my name and my anonymity. I give my experience and myself the protection that it deserves. After what I have experienced from the media the past few years, I have decided that I do not want to be defined by the worst thing that has happened to me. I want to be defined by the things that I love, the people I love, and the person that I truly am. I want to be remembered for my positive outlook, my passion for empowerment, and the sound of my laughter. I hope to inspire others to feel the freedom to take their power back and define themselves as well, if, and however they choose.